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Friday, May 14, 2010

BP CEO's Powerful Spin Propels Entire Spill Out of Gulf, Into Low Earth Orbit

by Jay Allbritton
The people at BP are desperately trying everything they can think of to stop the Gulf Oil Spill. They dropped a dome on it. Then a "top hat"... is that right? They sent a robot. Next up I believe are sharks with freakin' lasers.

Now, they've resorted to the last refuge of the rich and powerful when they're totally fucked--sheer, unmitigated spin. BP CEO Tony Hayward actually said this:
We will fix it. I guarantee it. The only question is we do not know when. The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume.
Masterful. He leads with, "We will fix it." Very forceful and confident. He doubles down by guaranteeing it. Then he slips in some fine print, "The only question is we do not know when." So, He vows to fix it. Guarantees he'll fix it. Then he slides in the fact that it may take quite some time. Like, when the last of the oil gushes out of the pipe, maybe?

So far, this is very pedestrian PR work. But then, sensing he has his audience off balance, Heyward unleashes a gem that will go into the Spin Hall of Fame on the first ballot when it's eligible in five years. "The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean," Hayward said, "The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume."

See, guys, it's just a little bit of oil in the great blue-brown sea. It's like peeing in an Olympic sized swimming pool. Nothing to worry about. Why are you guys so mad?

In my mind's eye I can see it: somewhere, Karl Rove slowly tips his hat in appreciation of a supremely skilled peer.


Russ Weiss said...

The latest reports from the Gulf region are talking about "where has the oil gone?" Apparently, the slick should be much bigger than it actually appears now.

I can see it now...the first major hurricane to hit the Gulf later this spring/summer will churn the Gulf waters. All of the oil that has settled or still floating just beneath the surface will get pulled up from the depths, along with the carcasses of dead dolphins, sharks, fish and shrimp, and get dumped en masse in N.O.

A mass sliming of N.O., LA. And who's going to clean it up? Not BP.

SadButTrue said...

What truly boggles my mind is that there are still people who cling to the conservative idea that the glorious invisible hand of the free market always leads to the greatest good. Wake up people. The free market collapsed and had to be bailed out by socialist big government. Capitalism makes no provision for unforeseen disasters -- there's no profit in that.

The Station Agent said...

I thought about that hurricane scenario too. You're description of it was quite vivid, Russ. Probably will happen, the way things have been going.

Anonymous said...

The damage this spill has done to sea life in the Gulf already is incalculable. I don't know about you, but it is going to be a while before I think about eating any shrimp or grouper, drenched in 30 weight oil, that they pull out of that diseased body of water!

SadButTrue said...

Kudos on making the Blog Roundup @C&L Jay.
And yeah, everybody with two functioning neurons is worried about what a hurricane could do to make this situation much, much worse. From unmitigated disaster to apocalyptic cataclysm in two seconds flat.

The Station Agent said...

Thanks SbT. Always nice to make the big blog.

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